Romancelandia Advice: My Girlfriend Will Only Do It In the Shower
Dear Ms. Draven,
My girlfriend is smart, bubbly and adventurous. I can really see a future with this girl. The problem is that she only really gets in the mood when we’re showering together. I’d like to do it in, you know, a normal bedroom, but the shower is the only place we ever do the deed. At first it was exciting but now it makes me wonder if she has some kind of sexual hangup.
– Showering Way Too Much
Dear Showering Way Too Much:
In Romancelandia a normal bedroom is the very last place our heroes and heroines ever consider making love.
Harlequin Presents CEOs will deflower their virgin acquisitions in yachts and on boardroom tables. The obligatory romance money-shot for NASCAR heroes has to happen on the hood of the race car. Cowboy heroes are prone to pushing heroines down onto a hay bale. Vampire heroes do it within the walls of dank old castles and modern-day minotaurs might give a heroine the ride of her life on a moving subway car.
The point is, in a romance novel, the more exotic the location, the better.
This is because romance heroes never get muscle cramps while hoisting the heroine into whatever twisty-pretzel position might be required for the sexual gymnastics at hand. And a romance heroine is always so turned on that she wouldn’t even care if he dropped her. (Of course, it goes without saying, in Romancelandia, the hero never drops the girl. At least not in the shower. But I digress.)
The throbbing purple passion of a loving couple in Romancelandia is so urgent that it simply cannot wait! Even if there is a nice warm bedroom with a perfectly serviceable bed close at hand, Romancelandia heroes often fail to take the three extra steps to get there. And heroines love it. Why? Because their man is just so hot for them that he can’t wait or he will dry up and die!
You, my friend, have a different problem. It sounds as if your heroine is making you wait for the sound of running water. There is nothing particularly unhealthy about this. Water is sexy. Water is soothing. I’m told that water aimed in the right places can cause tingles. Plus, we women are conditioned to view the bathroom as somewhere it’s safe to get naked. That’s not even to mention the slippery qualities of soap!
In short, many heroes in Romancelandia–particularly those poor saps in the Harlequin Special Editions line whose love scenes often fade to black–would envy your problem.
This is because heroes in Romancelandia never age. Once you close the book, you won’t be reading about how Pierce McBigMuscles ruptured his spine after slipping on the shower tiles during a particularly strenuous game of Where Did You Hide the Loofah? You, however, are not immune to the ravishes of time. Your girlfriend’s powder room passions put you both at risk for broken bones. Even if you were to acquire one of those metal safety bars and a geriatric shower seat for your lavatorial lovemaking, the fact would remain that variety is the spice of life.
This is why even though your problem wouldn’t be a problem in Romancelandia, it is a problem in real life. And you should probably address it. Your girlfriend may have some deep fears about the inherent messiness of the carnal act. A shower washes all evidence away. Perhaps an agreement between the two of you to wash up quickly might set her mind at ease enough to sink down into the softness of a regular bed.
Now let’s find out what other romance authors have to say!
~Stephanie Draven and the collective wisdom of Romancelandia
This is part 2 of the Romancelandia Advice series. If you or someone you know has a problem, click the ‘Contact Me’ button at the upper right hand of this website and hit me with your best shot.
Loading ...
January 25th, 2012 at 12:27 pm
I spit my water on my keyboard laughing. “money shot”
*giggle*
January 25th, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Dear Showering Too Much:
I’m thinking that perhaps your girlfriend might be somewhat self-conscious about her hygiene “down there” (a very common female worry, in case you weren’t aware), and I wonder if that’s a big part of why she wants to have sex in the shower all the time. Maybe she feels more comfortable being intimate when she’s all fresh and clean. It’s a guess, but it makes sense to me.
If that’s part of it, perhaps if you encourage her to shower/bathe beforehand (feel free to draw her a bubble bath and spoil her rotten!), she might be more willing to try having sex in other places afterward. Just a thought! Yes? No?
January 25th, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Dear Showering Too Much–
Is your idea of putting on an outfit going through the hamper to see what isn’t too stained to wear out in public? Do you believe that muskrat love is real? Perhaps you’re not showering too much. She may be hinting that you shower too little. How about taking a shower before and after sex. Maybe then you’ll have a chance of taking a ride on your waterbed.
Aunt Sharon (Oh, by the way, some deodorant is good, too!)
January 25th, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Dear Showering Too Much,
I’m going to refer back to my psychology background to field this one. Yes, before I became a romance writer I took many, many psychology courses, which, it turns out, is quite handy for my profession today. Witness your dilemma.
My guess is that somewhere along the way your girlfriend was taught that sex is “dirty” and though she knows in her heart of hearts that it’s not true, the teaching is so ingrained that she isn’t able to get over the mental roadblock. Thus, because she does want to have sex with you (we assume) she feels it’s safest in the cleanest place she can find.
Try looking into her past to get some clues about her attitude. What are her parents like? What type of home environment did she grow up in? It’s surprising how much of our lives before age 18 shape our thinking even years later.
Good luck!
Cassandra
January 25th, 2012 at 7:31 pm
Count yourself lucky she’s doing it all – or was before she read this post. *G*
Sam