Dear Ms. Draven,
My girlfriend is smart, bubbly and adventurous. I can really see a future with this girl. The problem is that she only really gets in the mood when we’re showering together. I’d like to do it in, you know, a normal bedroom, but the shower is the only place we ever do the deed. At first it was exciting but now it makes me wonder if she has some kind of sexual hangup.
– Showering Way Too Much
Dear Showering Way Too Much:
In Romancelandia a normal bedroom is the very last place our heroes and heroines ever consider making love.
Harlequin Presents CEOs will deflower their virgin acquisitions in yachts and on boardroom tables. The obligatory romance money-shot for NASCAR heroes has to happen on the hood of the race car. Cowboy heroes are prone to pushing heroines down onto a hay bale. Vampire heroes do it within the walls of dank old castles and modern-day minotaurs might give a heroine the ride of her life on a moving subway car.
The point is, in a romance novel, the more exotic the location, the better.
This is because romance heroes never get muscle cramps while hoisting the heroine into whatever twisty-pretzel position might be required for the sexual gymnastics at hand. And a romance heroine is always so turned on that she wouldn’t even care if he dropped her. (Of course, it goes without saying, in Romancelandia, the hero never drops the girl. At least not in the shower. But I digress.)
The throbbing purple passion of a loving couple in Romancelandia is so urgent that it simply cannot wait! Even if there is a nice warm bedroom with a perfectly serviceable bed close at hand, Romancelandia heroes often fail to take the three extra steps to get there. And heroines love it. Why? Because their man is just so hot for them that he can’t wait or he will dry up and die!
You, my friend, have a different problem. It sounds as if your heroine is making you wait for the sound of running water. There is nothing particularly unhealthy about this. Water is sexy. Water is soothing. I’m told that water aimed in the right places can cause tingles. Plus, we women are conditioned to view the bathroom as somewhere it’s safe to get naked. That’s not even to mention the slippery qualities of soap!
In short, many heroes in Romancelandia–particularly those poor saps in the Harlequin Special Editions line whose love scenes often fade to black–would envy your problem.
This is because heroes in Romancelandia never age. Once you close the book, you won’t be reading about how Pierce McBigMuscles ruptured his spine after slipping on the shower tiles during a particularly strenuous game of Where Did You Hide the Loofah? You, however, are not immune to the ravishes of time. Your girlfriend’s powder room passions put you both at risk for broken bones. Even if you were to acquire one of those metal safety bars and a geriatric shower seat for your lavatorial lovemaking, the fact would remain that variety is the spice of life.
This is why even though your problem wouldn’t be a problem in Romancelandia, it is a problem in real life. And you should probably address it. Your girlfriend may have some deep fears about the inherent messiness of the carnal act. A shower washes all evidence away. Perhaps an agreement between the two of you to wash up quickly might set her mind at ease enough to sink down into the softness of a regular bed.
Now let’s find out what other romance authors have to say!
~Stephanie Draven and the collective wisdom of Romancelandia
This is part 2 of the Romancelandia Advice series. If you or someone you know has a problem, click the ‘Contact Me’ button at the upper right hand of this website and hit me with your best shot.
I hope that even if you aren’t ready to buy it, you’ll add it to your goodreads To Be Read pile!
While I’ve got your attention, I thought I might interest you in a few other things.
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