Dear Ms. Draven,

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. The apartment is kind of small so there isn’t much in the way of privacy. One night, while my boyfriend was cooking dinner, I glanced at his computer screen and discovered that he was having sex with some other woman. I thought we had something special but how can I trust him now?

– Having Second Thoughts

Dear Having Second Thoughts:

In Romancelandia, heroes are never caught having cybersex. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, most romance heroes who aren’t Dukes from Regency England are cowboys, firemen, or vampire hunters–none of whom know how to work computers, much less use them as sex toys. Even those billionaire bad boys from Harlequin Presents always have pretty secretaries to type for them. And if you get the rare Silhouette Desire tycoon who has made his vast fortune in technology, he’s too driven by his desire to get even with his abusive father workaholic nature to even surf the web much less whisper sweet cybernothings in another woman’s ear.

The only heroes in Romancelandia who can competently use a computer are super-spies or those loving beta heroes in one of the hearth and home romance lines that are so sweet they’ll rot your teeth. And a beta hero boyfriend would never get caught having cybersex with someone else because he’d feel horribly guilty about keeping something from you. That is, if he was smart enough to know he was cheating.

I note that your boyfriend was cooking you dinner, which means that he might be more of a beta hero. (The fact that he’s not whisking you off to his mansion in South America is another clue.) Also, the fact that he didn’t even bother to hide the evidence on his computer screen suggests he might be a little bit clueless.

Now, in Romancelandia, you would not confront your boyfriend with this evidence. You would stew about it, and maybe pack your bags and leave, thinking this just confirms all your fears about ever trusting a man again. And in Romancelandia, your beta hero would chase you. Wooing you with flowers and music and a thousand other romantic gestures that real men never even think of.

Then, just when he’s starting to win you back, you would finally tell him that it can’t ever work between you because you discovered that he was having cybersex with another woman. Instead of dumping you for your passive-aggressive behavior, he would explain that it was all just a big misunderstanding. You’d find out that his gay best friend was using his computer and that the girl on the other end of the screen was actually a dude. Much laughter would ensue, you’d realize that you needed to work on your communication skills and live happily ever after.

That’s how it works in Romancelandia. In real life, however, you probably confronted him about it right away and he probably told you it wasn’t a big deal. That he didn’t know the girl, never planned to meet her, and was just engaging in a type of fantasy–not unlike the kind of fantasy women engage in when reading romance novels.

The problem with this argument is that cybersex is an interactive activity. Your boyfriend reads, then responds, then reads some more, then responds, until an intimacy is achieved with another person. And maybe you could be cool with that–maybe you could watch and it would give you ideas. Certainly, it’s about the least risky threesome you could ever manufacture. Maybe if he’d asked you, it could have spiced things up. But he obviously didn’t talk to you about it in advance, which means that it’s a kind of cheating.

If he never thought of it that way before, but he’s sorry now, you might consider giving him a second chance. Let’s find out what the other romance authors have to say.

~Stephanie Draven and the collective wisdom of Romancelandia

This is part 1 of the Romancelandia Advice series. If you or someone you know has a problem, click the ‘Contact Me’ button at the upper right hand of this website and hit me with your best shot.

Everybody has a problem, but not everybody knows they need a little advice. Here’s where I come in. Henceforth, I will be taking anonymous letters from anyone who has trouble with their love life, their family life, or any other part of their life. And then I’m going to give you advice based on the collective knowledge of Romancelandia. What is that, you ask? It’s the occasionally reality-defying world inhabited by Romance Heroes and Heroines. That’s right. I will tell you how your story should go if it were a romance novel. And then, and only then, will I provide the advice that a happily married woman of a certain age is always eager to dispense. Moreover, I will invite all the romance authors I know to chime in with advice of their own.

So what do you get out of it:

1. Complete anonymity
2. Possibly helpful advice
3. A laugh

I’ll be starting this blog series in the coming weeks by using the problems of my friends and family who shall remain nameless as perfect examples of how romance novels would have us solve all our problems. Meanwhile, hit the Contact Me button in the upper right hand corner of this website, and hit me with your best shot! The weirder the better, I say.

Need a few examples?

Help! I Caught My Boyfriend Having Cybersex With Another Woman

Today’s a big day for me and my newest Greek mythology-inspired paranormal erotic romance novella, The Fever & The Fury! You could win a grand prize (gift cards!) and copy of my book or one of the books of fellow authors Laura Kaye and Leia Rice just for following us all over the internet today where we’ll be spilling secrets and discussing all manner of naughty things. One of the places I’ll be is Bandit Creek, so take a peek!

Welcome! Today I’m going to treat you all to the first six sentences of my newly released paranormal erotic romance, The Fever & The Fury:

She’d already killed him twice this week.

Monday, the harpy bitch grabbed the wheel just as he was making a tight turn on a cliff-side highway. The car jumped the barrier and exploded in a fiery crash of glass and twisted metal at the bottom of Moraca Canyon. On Wednesday morning, he’d chanced taking a shower and she dropped a hair dryer in with him, sending a deadly shock through his wet body. It wasn’t even the weekend and she was already trying to kill him a third time.

Luke awakened to the sinuous slide of her body atop his and, for one groggy moment, he enjoyed the carnal sensation of a woman in bed with him, until her knee came crushing down on his windpipe.

So, what’s the deal? Luke is a former soldier turned phoenix with the power to consume himself in flames and be born again whenever he dies. The woman of his nightmares? The ancient Fury who has been unleashed by the gods to torment him. But when Phaedra realizes that her usual methods of torture aren’t going to work on a man like Luke, she decides to drive him mad with desire…

The rest is high erotic comedy I hope that even if you aren’t ready to buy it, you’ll add it to your goodreads To Be Read pile!

While I’ve got your attention, I thought I might interest  you in a few other things.

1. Since you’re already here, why don’t you pick up a free copy of my historical erotica, The Knife’s Edge
2. Also, you might want to enter my ridiculously easy to win a Nook contest

Also, for those of you new to the Six Sentence Sunday meme, go check it out!